December 2011
26 posts
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Turns Out
My dad had to use the unused toolbox this morning, so that’s why he piled up all my clothes on top of the minimal dust bunny collective office chair.
I guess now at least I have more space to not kill myself whenever I decide to do late night gymnastics because the ambien told me to.
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Oh yeah I put the chair in his closet.
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The Chair
My dad’s been hounding me a lot lately about cleaning more frequently, and of course I’m pretty bah humbug! about the whole thing. Well today, in an attempt to get me to do my laundry faster, he took all the clean clothes I had splattered on top of our large unused toolbox in the main room—as is my usual interim strategy—and placed them all on top of an old rotating office...
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“I’m busier than a crazy wild slut on a corn cob.”
– Taylor Stanford
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The (Re)Birth of Chowbitch
Chowdog: Louisana is amazin. My mom work next to the mall. Going shopping spree today....... I feel like a woman.........
Me: Embrace your inner female!
Chowdog: ..... I will put on my mask
Me: No, Chowdog, remove thy mask! Become Chowbitch!
Chowdog: XD. Chowbitch dont exist. Unless heshe can take over the mighty chowdog.
Me: You remember that one past life in which you died an excruciatingly horrible death? Chowbitch. She's been through it all. You ain't got nothing on her.
Chowdog: Uh chow dog got the strength of 10 men from his past life combine. I don't think so. :-)
Me: Chowbitch got the strength of one thousand men from her past lives that she can harvest and manipulate into doing her bidding. And then she won't let you have any of it. CAUSE SHE'S A BITCH.
Chowdog: Yet while chowbitch is part of chowdogs strength.
Me: No, remember, you get cut off there. She just dangles all that strength in front of you. She's just like, "Bitches don't even know." It's ironic because she knows EVERYTHING.
Chowdog: What a bitch.
Me: I know, right?
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Webcomic Format
I think I understand why you should never peruse a webcomic when trying to make meaningful use of your time. See, at first, you’d just think, “Well it’s easy to stop. I can get my fill, then leave. And it takes, like, ten seconds to read a page. Easy.” Right? It’s not like a book where you have to get to the end of a chapter or at least a really crazy anecdote to put...
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I lied.
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I Am Actually Checking Out Homestuck
I’m not even enjoying myself, and I keep thinking of things I’d rather be doing, but I keep reading it.
It’s really frustrating.
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netjamjr asked: Found you!
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To Clarify
Chowdog is from Hong Kong. He came to America in the fifth grade, speaking no English. He has a girlfriend/pet rock named Lucy. He integrated into my close circle of friends during our sophomore year of high school. For most of the time we’ve known him, he pretended to be unintelligent.
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Chowdog: The Halloween Story
I was feeling inspired, so I looked back through some of my old text conversations with who is unquestionably the most precious friend I've ever had. One exchange in particular stood out.
Chowdog: Hows ur halloween??
Me: You should punch the fat out of him.
Chowdog: XD Hey im not like u fat americans who love to punch a baby :-)
Me: Hey Chowdog, that's uncalled for. You leave America out of this.
Chowdog: Im sorry jd. When I say that. I didnt realize that u r one of the AMERICANS. Let me rephrase. Im not like monsterous human that eats baby like a baby pig
Me: I only cut into it's heart. It's not like I roasted, toasted and served it on a bun. Maybe you should get your story right before you go spouting accusations.
Chowdog: Uh. Y u accuse me of acuse u. Nice confession. Isnt today charlies bday. U should send him a babys heart :-)
Me: That would be very thoughtful. If my birthday was on Halloween, I'd want a baby's heart, too.
Chowdog: Yea. Thx to monsters like u. Homosapian will go extinction XD ( didnt mean to make sounds so anti homosexual). And r u free on wed??
Me: I understand what you didn't intend, but that still doesn't excuse what you do.
Me: Chowdog McFairyhater
Chowdog: Hey look at different perspective. I meant if u eat all the babies. We going to die. But yea its one of my brilliant jokes. Its cool if u dont get it XD
Me: Chowdog, I think it's safe to say that as long as you're in the world, there will always be babies available for people like me to eat.
Chowdog: What u doin for ur halloween?
Me: I was working. Now we're playing Resistance.
Chowdog: Yea. Free to chew on rock. Lucy and I can adopt anytime if we want
Me: LUCY IS BACK. SCANDAL.
Chowdog: Ah. Well how does it feel killin ur own kind?
Me: I never said I killed anyone, Chowdog.
Chowdog: Aww man. U ATE THEM???
Me: Hey, I never said I ate anyone, either. Tsk tsk. Always the accusations.
Chowdog: Uh it was in form of question. Not a period read ur PUNCTUATION RIGHT before acuse me of acusin
Chowdog: Lucy is offended. Thx way to ruin my halloween date night
Chowdog: Jd do I need to teel u what a question mark is?
Me: You're welcome, Chowdog. Lucy was a slut anyway. You can do better.
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Happy Birthday Dad
You’re a seriously cool guy, and I’m glad I got you for a father.
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Black Currant & Plum (Legit)
Because of these silly little things called health codes, we have to have soap at my workplace. Since sometimes that runs out, we also have to restock it, which is pretty easy when you work in a grocery store. As a rule of thumb, whoever notices we’re empty is responsible for going to the cosmetics aisle and getting more of this magical antiseptic stuff. Or putting water in the soap bottle,...
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striders8utt:
ironicjellyfish:
greedyraccoon:
nosmokingpistol:
jonarbuckle:
my mom just discovered this: the music in rick perry’s anti-gay christian ad was composed by aaron copland who is gay and jewish
are you serious right now oh my god
what…………..
Pffffff
things that make me happy
Also Communist.
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Things Soap Opera Characters Are Allergic To
Paternity tests
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I Feel Bad
The kids in my apartment complex are always screaming bloody murder, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe they’re being brutally tortured by some post traumatic psychopath, but I still almost never check to see.
Maybe it’s because they’re so annoying they deserve it.
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A (Somewhat) Happier Story
Because we’re a licensed store, we don’t get as much traffic as a normal Starbucks. Ergo, we have less staff and more individual responsibility. Ergo, some things have to get placed on the back burner, if not for our sanity then at least for profit. For instance: decaf coffee.
Decaf, as well as bold during the afternoon and evening hours, is normally brewed by cup using the pour-over...
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I Am The Greatest Writer Of All Time
My friends and I do this thing sometimes where we forsake the joys and goodness of a sexually saturated life for copious amounts of phallic references, also known as DnD.
Well, it just so happens that three odd years ago or so when I was the weak little age of some fucking number, I created an epilogue for our “Lleh Campaign” which never really otherwise succeeded in ending. Today I...